The Bizzle

"Saving your ass since 1999"

The Santa Claus Letters 3: I’m dreaming of a woo Christmas

This letter (including errors of spelling and grammar) is derived from genuine Freeman on the Land websites and letters. All is true.


 Notice to Principle is Notice to Agent. Notice to Agent is Notice to Principle.

Notice to One is Notice to All

 © Timothy of the family: Taylor Authorised Representative for

TIMOTHY TAYLORTM and all derivatives thereof 

Donner, Blitzen and Rudolf LLP
St Nicholas Street
The North Pole

15th December 2011


Dear Interloper

Reference Number: LB/SC/30123456

Thank you for your recent contact. I do not understand the contents.

Your demand for mince pies and sherry on behalf of SANTA CLAUS is clearly fraudulent. As lawyers you are surely aware of the following principles of the common law:

1. The uppercase name TIMOTHY TAYLOR on your gift tags is not my name, but a ‘corporate entity’ or straw man. (Blacks Law Dictionary)

2. Your client SANTA CLAUS is a corporation and cannot enter into lawful contracts. The contract is therefore an unlawful contract as it is a unilateral agreement signed only by me. (Contract Law)

3. Your client SANTA CLAUS creates Presents out of thin air – he has no presents to give to children. (Fractional Reserve Gifting)

4. Your client has not provided any consideration under the contract, because the Presents are worthless ‘electronic items’ on computers. (Internet Shopping)

5. I am not lawfully bound to pay anything which is unsigned. (Bills of Exchange Act 1882)

You must therefore provide verification of your claim, including:

  • validation of the Presents: the actual accounting;
  • a lawful contract with valid consideration for the said mince pies and sherry;
  • a hand signed invoice in accordance with Bills of Exchange Act (1882); and
  • proof of agency.

You must provide this within ten (10) days from the above date so that I may settle any comestible obligation I might lawfully owe.

Your said failure to provide verification of your claim constitutes your agreement to the following terms: that you are a third party interloper; your claim is fraudulent; elves do not exist; you agree to pay all fee schedules; and that you will no longer pursue this matter any further.

If you sell the alleged liability, and/or appoint my parents to act on your behalf on this matter you will have broken our agreement and you agree to pay the following fee schedule:

  • £21000 for dishonouring our agreement;
  • £1000 per hour or part of it of authorised representatives time nunc pro tunc;
  • £1000 per recorded delivery or any other form of response nunc pro tunc
  • £100 per contact by letter or phone payable in advance.

In addition, you and your client SANTA CLAUS have referred to me as Mr Timothy Taylor. I specifically demand that you do not refer to me as Mr or any Title, which is a legal fiction and is not me. Breach of this condition requires you to pay £1000000 for each unauthorised use.

If you have advised your client properly SANTA CLAUS should be aware that it is a common law offence to wilfully attempt to enforce jurisdiction of a man using a legal fiction. Therefore, this amounts to proof of a wilful criminal act.

The only other possibility is that SANTA CLAUS does not exist. If this is the case, then you are attempting to commit fraud on the children of the world.

I therefore demand that this malicious and frivolous activity of exchanging so-called Presents in return for mince pies cease and desist with immediate effect, and that you send me written confirmation of the same along with all of the Presents.

Yours without ill will, frivolity, vexation and malice.

Yours sincerely

By: Sovereign Timothy of the family:Taylor; living breathing human soul.

 No assured value, No liability. Errors & Omissions Excepted. All Rights Reserved.



7 responses to “The Santa Claus Letters 3: I’m dreaming of a woo Christmas

  1. Kate Rowlands (@cjr1968) December 15, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    Gorgeous. I may have actually split at least one of my sides.

  2. A Lawyer (@HighlandLawyer) December 15, 2011 at 11:00 pm

    Bizzles LLP

    13th December 2011

    Dear Sir

    Re: Agreement between the Santa Claus Group and Little Timmy
    Your Reference Number: LB/SC/30123456

    We note the contents of your letter of 15th December, from which we have obtained judgement that you are a “naughty little boy”. Accordingly we hereby give notice that in terms of the common law provisions in relation to Yuletide Stocking Deliveries our client will deliver one (1) lump of coal into your stocking, at such location on your premises as may be convenient to our client, between 11pm on 24th December and 5am on 25th December.

    As there will be no contractual arrangement in existence between you and our client, you will not require to deliver any mince pies or sherry, but equally you will have no recourse against our client to require delivery of any other item not so specified under the common law provisions, nor for the size or quality of such item as shall be delivered.

    For avoidance of doubt, as our clients entry into the premises for this purpose is expressly authorised under common law, and therefore not only is this excluded from any claim of trespass but attempting to prevent such access may be deemed contempt of court.

    No further correspondence shall be entered into with you until such time as you are removed from the Naughty List.

    Yours faithfully

    for and on behalf of
    Donner, Blitzen and Rudolf LLP

  3. Hayley December 16, 2011 at 10:06 am

    Love it! So funny. Love the reply letter too. 🙂

  4. Chrissie Lightfoot - The Entrepreneur Lawyer December 16, 2011 at 11:21 am

    You’ve just made my chrissiemas 🙂 Tnx to all ! I raise my sherry glass and mince pie with respect and admiration for your creativity and GSOH 🙂

  5. Coventry Man December 16, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    Brilliant! You are wasted as a lawyer 🙂

  6. Arfan December 16, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    haha awesome letter! loving the series

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