[Credit where it’s due: this post had a lot of help from @jds and @legalbrat. Thanks, guys, and Happy Christmas!]
I’ve been a good boy this year. I’ve tried really hard to meet all of my deadlines, and I haven’t been all shouty with people who ask me stupid questions. (Well, not very much. It doesn’t count if it’s the Sales team, right?)
Anyway, seeing as I’ve been so good, here is my Christmas list. I’d be ever so grateful if you could bring me the following:
1. An office of my own. Seriously, Santa, how do you expect me to concentrate when people can find me to ask me questions and give me instructions? And if you could fix it so that I don’t have to hear that whiny woman in accounts any more, or that guy in HR’s nose trombone, I’d be really chuffed.
2. An application that answers and organises email, binds contracts, does filing, and so on. I think that private practice lawyers call this a “secretary”.
3. A new Sales team. If possible, I’d like one that gives me realistic deadlines, and remembers to instruct me at the start of a deal instead of at the end. Oh, and that doesn’t sit and roll their eyes at the client when I’m talking about liability caps.
4. Clients that don’t shout at me. There must be some out there, surely?
5. Contracts that make sense. I’m with Tim on this one – it’d be really nice if you could arrange for our suppliers to put some effort in instead of us doing it for them.
6. Some new toys. In fact, any toys at all. C’mon, Santa, am I the last commercial lawyer in England without a smartphone? And you have to admit it’s pretty embarrassing when a client calls your company “the place that PCs go to die”…
7. A pay-rise and a bigger team. Nah, just funning with you, Santa – I know that even you can’t deliver either of those.
So if you could just leave those under my tree, that’d be awesome. Thanks, Santa!
Love, Legal Bizzle.